So my roommate lost his job so that means we can't move in together as planned. I'm not sure what happens now. I guess I wait till this problem sorts itself out. I can't help but worry because I feel like it won't sort itself out and us being roommates was never meant to be. I hope that isn't the case.
He told me that everything happens for a reason and things always turn out better than you expect. So I'm trying to figure out what could possibly be the reason for this. What do we have to gain by not being able to get the condo that we planned? Does this mean there is a bigger and better condo out there? Perhaps it means that we are both on different paths and this crossing was only a chance meeting. I hope not.
I have come to really enjoy his presence in my life. He brings a lot to it. He is positive and encourages me to be so too. He gets me to try new things and to be a little braver and to put myself out there. When he is around there is never a dull moment. It's been one adventure after another and we have taken some great pictures together too.
My problem is that I never take things at face value I'm always trying to figure them out. I try and predict where things are going. Right now I cannot tell. I don't know what I should be doing. I feel like I have a decision ahead of me and I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with the consequences of either option. Of course there is always the option to do nothing but I think that would be cowardly and counterproductive to my goal of being more confident and decisive. If I choose to do nothing I also may miss an opportunity and I have done that too many times in the past.
I just want some direction. I want to know if I can trust what I'm feeling or if I'm blinded like I have been in the past. At what point in one's life do we come to trust our instincts without doubt? I really feel like the next little while has the potential to change my life drastically for the better. I need this and I want it. The problem with wanting change is that you don't know what it will do to you. You don't know where it will leave you when it's done. Often you don't end up where you expect.
I am already irrevocably changed because of this person. Whether he stays or leaves is irrelevant now. I'm never going to be the sad, lonely, cowardly and self-esteem challenged girl I was only a couple of months ago. There is no going back.
Most of the men in my life have been catalysts for change or just bringers of revelation. They come in, present their lessons and then they leave. Some leaving me broken and others just leaving me better than when they entered. I'm not sure which category my roommate fits into yet. It's what I keep trying to figure out.
A good friend told me recently that I can't expect answers to everything and I can't expect to be able to figure this out. There is a certain amount of risk inherent in it and I cannot deny it. I'm not really sure if I should just step back and let the universe take over or if I should jump in and push things along. I wish I could know which decision is the right one.
I'm so afraid of screwing up but I suppose everyone is. Right now I am wishing that all my bad experiences and bad relationships in the past have given me enough wisdom to deal with whatever is ahead of me. I don't want to repeat old patterns. I will figure this out.
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